I cannot help but wonder- is Depression like snow flakes? Every episode different and beautiful in it's own way??
Since this past Saturday, I have been experiencing a Depression different than any other I have ever experienced. Listen-
I cannot get out of bed, and have no desire to use the toilet. I cannot eat. Indeed, I have not eaten anything since Sunday other than water and iced tea. I get up solely to feed and water the cat and change her box.
The cat is ignoring me. I suppose I would want to ignore me too. No bathing, no brushing teeth, not hair. Why bother? Europeans in the Middle Ages never bathed.
I cannot sleep. i am sure I do in fits and starts, five ten minutes here and there- but not more than that. I close my eyes, I see myself dead- hanging from a tree outside my apartment, bleeding to death in the bath tub- dying from not eating- dead from a broken heart. Indeed the last one concerns me, my heart is racing so fast I cannot breathe. The last time I saw the doc last week, my blood pressure tapped out at 160 over 120. Not good. I never had this problem before. I cannot read, I cannot watch TV, I can barely write. My thinker seems broken.
And the worst part is, I have never experienced this, and even worse, after a day or two- I should be starting to flip back to mania.
There was no mania this time. I did not fall from mania, I did not get it. Instead, this bout seems to be triggered by a writing by someone I actually know, that upset me, no - made me retch. It seems to me, the older I get, the deeper and longer the depressions get- and the worse the suicidal ideation gets as well. The mania - when I get it is different too. Most of the time it's mild, like I have OD'ed on coffee- but now, for the last 3 years, every July I get manic- to psychotic, to paranoid, to I am putting the Reynolds Wrap on the windows so the neighbors cannot hear my thoughts. This is new.
And the weirdest symptom of all - now- is I am afraid to leave my apartment. Right outside my door I have a rose bush. It officially died this summer because I could not get outside to water it. I have a mail box right outside, and i cannot even go and get that. I don't understand. There are 17 stairs to get down to the front door- I cannot walk down them. The cat runs down them, I cannot bring myself to walk down them.
I think the worse thing is, i have not seen another living soul, sans cat since Saturday Night. This is not good. I cannot even talk on the phone without crying copious amount of tears.
I murdered my roses. I feel awful. Those little guys never had the chance. I wish I knew how to murder my depression and get back in the land of the living again. I do know the tools- I have them. I just cannot get out of bed to do it.
All these symptoms are new. So I wonder, is Depression like Snow?