Monday, February 28, 2011

I've fallen and am struggling to get up


I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

I’m so blue.

Blue Blue Blue. I can hardly live with myself, thank heaven for sleep. Sleeping 18 hours a day up until last week. Now it’s five if I am lucky. Extremes. It’s all about extremes.

My body is slightly healing.  My kidneys are back to normal, but it’s all about the bladder. Bladder isn’t working. It’s difficult.  I have an urinary tract infection from this. And peeing, it hurts like nothing else I have ever experienced in my life.

It’s hard to stay optimistic. I know there are people who have it worse than me, and I am grateful I don’t have to have dialysis anymore. That’s wonderful.

What this illness has brought out of me, other than a sense of depression, is a sense of confusion, a sense I have lost my way. I had livid dreams in the hospital, probably from the morphine, but now- I don’t dream. I’m up all night in pain, listening to the radio, nine out of ten nights to Coast to Coast which is probably not a good thing, it makes me think, and that keeps me up all night. Pondering. It’s like I am waiting for my cat’s stomach to explode like when the alien came out of John Hurt’s belly in “Alien” only instead of an alien, it would be the X files or Rod Sterling. (Am I dating myself with the old Twilight Zone? They have marathons every New Years on Channel 11 in NYC!)

I don’t have dreams for the future, and it’s not because Coast to Coast is telling me the world will end in December 2012. I don’t believe that. If I turn on the news I do see the world is exploding, governments being over turned in the Middle East. I haven’t been this glued to CNN since Reagan told Gorbachev to “Tear down the wall”. I cannot control the world, I wouldn’t want to. I only have control of my destiny. And right now, I feel like I have no destiny, no desire for the future, no dreams. Just pain and sleep.

I would like a goal, something to strive for. I cannot even write anymore because I’m sleeping so much and at so many weird hours, (all day and up from 12 to 4 every night, and then from 7-9 and back to sleep til 5 or 6 pm, eat supper and back to bed. My eyes hurt so I don’t read much, I am listening to books on tape or the radio. Or lie on the couch and listen to the news channel(s) with the sound on and my eyes closed.

Since the ex left I haven’t had wifi, so the only computer outlet is on the floor. What no one knows is that since November 2006 all my blogging and what not has been done on the floor, laptop in my lap, while I sit “Indian” style on the hardwood floor. Now I cannot sit on the floor, because I cannot get up.  So no computer unless I use the phone. It’s difficult.

This will change next week when I move.  I will be getting free wifi from my cable carrier, which will be amazing. The move is scaring me. I don’t have a lot of things to move, a closet full of clothes, four pair of shoes and a pair of boots. Three computers, one that is over 20 years old and still works but does not do internet. Some furniture, but not a whole lot. What I have that is a royal pain are about 800 books. I had close to 1000 but over the last year I have been getting rid of a lot of them. It breaks my heart because I always thought I would have a house with a library. But it’s going to be difficult moving all those books. I have a friend coming out this weekend to help me move, and we will be packing up another 200 or so and giving them away to the local library. I am grateful this friend is in my life, and has been in my life since 2008. He is the most amazing and kind man I have ever met with the exception of my dad. But he cannot help me to figure out where I am going on my life, he has his own troubles on his plate, I cannot add mine to his. It’s something I have to figure out myself. I just feel lost, rudderless, a feeling I haven’t felt since I was a teenager. I didn’t like it then, it’s worse now that I am in my forties. I should have a rudder. I should be steering towards the North Star. Instead, I lie in bed, and try to heal, looking at the window at night to the stars and moon and wishing on the stars for my health back and my ability to write can come back as well. 


12 comments:

Mark p.s.2 said...

"my ability to write can come back as well". you wrote
You are writing. "Ray Bradbury, arguably the greatest writer of the twentieth century, claims that he has written something, anything, every day for over seventy years."

Stephi said...

Susan, I don't care what you say...you WILL write again soon and you STILL have a future. Don't even think of giving up. You have been through so much already and you always came out on the other end. You WILL get stronger and you WILL get better. Keep going!

Much love x

Mary LA said...

I wish I lived closer and could be of some practical help. You are a wonderful writer and an exceptional person.

All love

aliee.kittiee. said...

You say you aren't writing anymore, but you are. It just may not be in the form you would like. I think your writing is wonderful.
Sometimes the future can look dim, but there is something always ahead waiting for us. I'm not a religious person, but I believe that there is always something better to come.
Hang in there! What my mom always tells me is "This too shall pass".

AdmGln said...

Hope you get feeling better. After the night comes day.

The Depressed Reader said...

Hi Susan,
It is good to see you are still writing. You aren't writing happy things, or in the condition you would like to be writing, but you are writing the truth, putting out there how you are feeling, and that is all that any of us can do.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you get through the move with as little stress as possible. I'm glad there is someone there to help, and even though he can't be everything for you, he can help carry a little of the load, both literally and figuratively. My thoughts are with you.

Wendy said...

Susan, Healing from major medical trauma takes time... Lots of time.
Try to be patient with yourself. Maybe just small goals, the rest will come. I think of you often, and your writing on the blog is always so good, even now when you are struggling. Trying to find hope is a difficult thing when you are going through hell - keep going! Much love, Wendy

Jen Daisybee said...

Susan,
I'm so glad to see you writing again! I know you don't feel like you're writing, but you are telling your story and using your voice, which is very empowering. I know you wish you could do more, and I wish you could too, because I like reading what you have to say and I like you. I don't know if you saw my last comment on your previous post, but your blog received an award from my blog, which you really deserve because you do choose to continue to live despite all the adversities you face. You are a valiant fighter and I admire you.

You can copy the graphic from this page if you want it, and there is a description of your blog there too: http://www.suicidalnomore.com/p/i-choose-to-live-awards.html

Keep fighting! Things *will* get better eventually.

Red Pill Junkie said...

Like the previous commenters, I'm glad that you're at least writing about not writing. Once again I think you're not aware of your own strength.

I'm sorry about your books. I wish I was there to help you move them. Maybe in 10 years Kindle and the iPad will help us solve that problem and we will all laugh about all the space we needed to store our books; I kinda hope that doesn't happen, because I've always loved the connection to reality a book brings, through its weight, smell and texture.

I do not know what will happen in 2012 either. I don't think it will be something like those lousy Roland Emmerich's movies, but something much more subtle and transcendent. Maybe after a few decades pass we will all look back and realize that was the year when everything changed; kind of like 9/11 although I hope in a much more positive way.

The news in Middle East are a Rorschach test: you can either see them as the glass half empty, or half full. I choose the latter.

nochnoch said...

i like the title. and u're right. we gotta keep going. i went through depression myself and still struggling. recovering and better. but sometimes in hell i want to give up. and so hard to keep going. but we must. writing my blog helps me confront my issues and thoughts. and reading your's also help me thin

thanks

noch
nochnoch.com

noch said...

i like the title. and u're right. we gotta keep going. i went through depression myself and still struggling. recovering and better. but sometimes in hell i want to give up. and so hard to keep going. but we must. writing my blog helps me confront my issues and thoughts. and reading your's also help me thin

thanks

noch
nochnoch.com

Syd said...

Susan, I think that you will get back up and do those things that you enjoy. You wrote beautifully in this post. Hang in there. Life throws some curves, doesn't it? But we deal with it as best we can.

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