Thursday, September 9, 2010

My bottom with depression. I've hit it.

From a personal letter sent this morning to a very good friend.

I tried yesterday and this morning to get rid of the fruit flies that came from not taking the trash out for 3 days during the heat. I cleaned and sprayed and sprayed again but they are still there. I don't know what to do. They don't bite or anything but they are annoying.

Going back to bed. I should go to Stop and Shop but I can't. There is no food in the house other than a pint of ice tea.

I don't know what to do. I've got to get dressed but I have no energy. I've hit bottom. I cannot go into details, I fear a 51-50 or what ever the equivalent  is in my state. I need to figure out how to start living again but I cannot get out of bed. I put out two bowls of food for the cat, two litter boxes. My sheets are soiled, I need to go to the Laundromat to clean them, but I have no energy. It's rock bottom. It's my lowest I have ever been with depression, and I have two choices left. To top myself off, which I fear because I don't want to die, and I know I would wind up a in a coma, or get better. I hit bottom 14 years ago in September with drinking and it's been easy to quit and get better.

Now it's time to do that with depression. It's going to be a lot harder. But I guess I needed to hit rock bottom and this is it. If it continues I will loose what ever family I have, what ever friends I still have left, my cat, my freedom.  My life. Everything. The price is too high. I just can't seem to get out of bed to do the first step.


Ana said...

I'm not that great myself so I can relate: 1) it's not time to think about your "life"; 2) someone has to be next to you to help you eat and cleaning; 3) eating is important, very important; 4) if you can ask food by phone please do it;
I wish I was there to take care of you sweetie.
It's hard for people to understand how we cannot wake up of bed and the worse is to listen to the "positive" advices: "take a walk!" "you have to fight" and all the others you already know.
As if the depressed person was not already saying in to her/himself
Tell us:
Do you have anybody that could help you with the food and cleaning?
Please answer this.
It is the least we can do.
It helps, not for today not for tomorrow, but I'm sure it will at least feel better with your conscience seeing things not all messy.
I wish there was a service for depression people that could provide this simple help: clean the house and take care of the food.
It's too much to ask?

misssrobin said...

I'm sorry the darkness has got you. And it feels so heavy. I hope you can tread water just to get through the rough waves.

I've been up and down for weeks. Last night I was sure I'd end up in the hospital. The hopelessness was that bad. Then a friend stopped by and I reluctantly visited with her. And it helped.

Today I am better. Not a lot, but at least I ate something.

When I was in so deep that I scared my therapist she handed me a balloon. Then she told me to blow it up. Eventually I did, but I didn't want to. She said to let the air out and do it again.

It wasn't about the balloon. It was about letting my brain focus on something different.

I don't know if that's something you can do. If you can find even the smallest distraction. Just something to give your brain something else to think about.

It helps me. I hope you find your way through this. We're here with you.

Lisa said...

Ohhhh ((((())))) it looks like you've sent this message off to a friend as well, am glad you are reaching out and hopefully have someone to ask for help. (it's hard to ask for help)Such a catch-22, if we can't 'cover our basics' how will we feel better...but then how do we cover the basics when feeling so unbearably wretched? One of my strategies is to 'do the opposite'. ex: if i want to stay in bed, i force self out, etc. I've spent years like that. One thing that might have saved my children - online grocery shopping. I had to get one of my kids to even help check the boxes in the categories - and we'd save the order, it would take me a few days to put together - but having actual FOOD delivered really does help. These things are things i still struggle with. It's harder than people can probably know...unless they've been there. Wish things were better for you (hugs) xx

Kristin said...

I am sitting on a blog that I wrote about my daughter's visit to a doctor awhile back. The doctor read her chart (full of psych ward admittances and pages of medications) looked up and asked if she had friends (no), if she had a job (no) if she exercised (NO). She told this doctor that she can barely get dressed most days. The doctor told her to "pop a hat on her head and take a walk". It was below zero.
People are insensitive, even those we think should be compassionate. Protect yourself from people who do not understand.
Hold yourself in the light. Know that there are many people who care deeply for you and want to see you better.
Call your mom to help you.
i am sending you healing thoughts.
xx kris

The Depressed Reader said...

Depression is a hard thing to bear. I know where you are at, and I hope that you will feel better soon.

An idea that helps me during my rough moments is looking at each day as one in which I have a different level of energy, a different ability to take action. It ebbs and flows, and sometimes I will be able to do a lot, other days just getting up is a challenge. Comparing these days is not helpful. All the "I should..." thoughts don't help much.

We can only do what we can do. Fighting depression is a long battle, and it is one that we can win. But just by slow, continual effort. Savor each small victory, whether it is getting up, doing some cleaning, making something to eat. This helps me in my low times, and I hope it helps you too.

Anonymous said...

Hold on, Susan. Hold on. I know that it doesn't seem the light exists any more, that it feels like the vultures are circling just inches away in the dark. I know. But you can get through this. You have your Holly with you. She needs you. You need her.

Go one day at a time. We are here for you.

Many, many comforting and reassuring tailwags going to you,

Kelly said...

I found your blog by going through the many out there and I noticed your post today.
The 14 year mark is very interesting because I too just went through the grist mill after going through it 14 years ago. They say life goes in 7 year intervals. You, like I, have gone through this before. Go through it again. Let your cats be your guides if no one else. They just "are" no questions to the Self about why we are here. Allow the balance to find you. I am fighting this again. I overdosed 14 years ago, my brother had a dream I was dead and he found me, rushed me to the hospital where I flat lined, the rest of the story is very interesting but I will jump to the chase. I am glad to be here now!
Lately the same feeling came die.
Now I am armed with the fact that I have sailed this passage before, the terrain is different but I am familiar. I am relying on that old compass to get me through.
You can see me on my blog as I try to bounce back.If you want.
Put your hand on your cat look into their eyes as they purr feel the vibrations....that is life!
with love<

Kelly at :

Stephi said...

Hey Susan, I have been thinking and praying for you.

I have also been making a great acquaintance of my bed in last few weeks until my family hit some hard times which forced me to take the focus off myself. But I'm still struggling.

The previous comment from Ana offered some good advice and it is especially important to have someone with you. Is there anyone that you can ask? If you are like me I just plain refuse to ask for help because I am ashamed. But it's something I've had to force myself to do.

Something you can try: If you can just get up and take a shower, it'll make the world of difference. Somedays I feel so much better after a shower that I have energy enough to get dressed-even if it is just to go and lie on my bed again. I feel like I have accomplished something and it makes me feel a little better. It doesn't matter how long it takes. Some days it takes up to three hours for me to do this one simple thing. But it's worth it!

All the best to you hun x

Cleo Pascal said...

I'm so sad to hear it from you Susan. I can feel how hard it is to go through this painful moment in your life, and I can relate to you because I've also had a Bipolar syndrome for ten years now.

Being a bipolar stresses me so, because I have to patiently deal my everyday extreme mood swings and not only me who's going to deal with this but my family and loved ones as well. But great thing that I am now undergoing through some alternative healing methods that improve my natural health and healing process of my illness get faster.

Beth said...

Thank you, Susan, for sharing your struggles. I found your blog today and I can't describe how much better I feel, knowing I'm not alone in dealing with this infuriating and obnoxious depression.



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