Thursday, March 4, 2010

The Comforting Side of Depression

I really do feel depression has a comforting side, as long as it doesn't slip to despair. There is a catagory for mania- mania and hypomania- but for depression- as long as it doesn't go to despair, there is something, to me, that is comfortable and familiar.

There is something wonderful at first to lie in bed unable to move out of it except to go to the toilet. I lie in my full sized bed, surrounded by warm flannel sheets, my stuffed animals, and my cat. I have the radio on a talk radio station, lately, I have become addicted to NJ 101.5. I have my books in bed with me. It's comfortable , it's safe and I can cocoon in there and feel safe and happy.

Until I realize I've just spent a whole day in bed. One of the deadly sins, no? Sloth? Nah, cannot be, I got my teddy here and I feel safe....I will get up tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and it's another day.. and I cannot get out of bed. And thus a vicious cycle starts.

For me, sometime bed keeps me safe and more important, alive. When I start to slip, I no longer can do the simple things one needs to do to daily. Brush hair and teeth. Change clothes. Take a shower. I get in my head, and I realize even with my skills I have from working on the hotline, and CBT and other therapies, my head is not a good place to be.

That is where I am now. Too much in my head, too much longing to stay in bed where I am safe and no harm will come to me. Surrounded by my stuffed toys, some paperbacks, the radio on the night table, and my cat, leaning up against my side, purring softly as she dreams, no doubt, of the first robin of the Spring she saw yesterday and imagines it is between her paws about to become dinner. But I am safe.

And in the end , it's all about staying safe, to me. I am too depressed to do too much else, so it's hit the send key and go back to bed. It's four am. Maybe some more sleep, and I will feel better. But if I don't and cannot function today, at least I have a lovely place to read and be in. As long as it's not in my head.


Forbidden Regrets said...

idk for me it doesnt ever seem like there is a comfertable side to depression. I always feel not safe in my own bed. The only place I feel safe is in the hospital sometimes. Though i dont like to admit that. perhaps you can undestand why. idk i always feel like im living in a dream but its rather disturbing to my life instead of a piece of comfert.

Anonymous said...

I have felt similarly--depression can be comforting. After a while, it seems like since it is what you know, it isn't that bad anymore. Then you think of the things you have trouble with and can't do, and then maybe you think it *is* that bad.

This is my 15th year of living with it, and I am still trying to figure out how to do so.

I am glad you have your teddy, though--mine have been my only comforts sometimes. The important thing is to stay safe.

Reassuring tailwags,

tinkerbell the bipolar faerie said...

Idk either. When the darkness of depression begins swallowing me, the only things I do to seek comfort are steaming hot showers and sleep. Sleep ... sleep ... that noble knight in shining armour has rescued me from myself so many times. Wishing you better days.

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate to this post. When I'm struggling with my depression, getting out of bed is a HUGE accomplishment for me. I could stay in bed for days. Since I have to work and I have to take care of my children, I'm forced to get out of bed. I hate it sometimes, but it is a blessing because it makes me get up.

Steve E said...

Depression, the hell of many a saint.

Girl I wish that a magic word, or a prayer, an incantation, or simply a kind thought sent your way would be helpful. It just is not that easy.

I remember about two years ago I was crying uncontrollably, for several weeks. Finally went to the Internist, who suggested a fancy psychiatrist. Being an Alkie, I "just said NO", and so he gave me a lowest daily dose of Lexapro 10mg . I still take it daily, and have not had a problem since.

So I was not in depression, but could have got there. Just did not try hard enough. (Failed again!!!)

Shit, I can't even do "sick" right.

Seriously, Prayers and hope for you, and your commentors who suffer also from depression.

susan said...

Steve, thanks. You have inspired me to work on a piece on my first sponsor....

Depression is a rotten thing to experience. I am sorry that anyone has to experience it.

Lirpastar said...

I don't know if I would call it the comforting side of depression, but there is something to what you are saying. For me, when I get to a place where I just can't handle things due to my bipolar disorder, I get in bed and give myself permission to leave the world for a little while. I think this has been a learned skill for me. Instead of beating myself up for this, I accept it as something I must do.


Moody Chic said...

Susan, I think you just spied on me. This is the same comfort I feel. You are right it's the stage right before everything spirals into the abyss: The hypodepression. This is the time where like you I can sleep for hours. When I am awake, all I want to do is read or write.

A friend brought to my attention that my reading & googling (just more reading) encourages my depression. They all are so comfortable. Yet, sleep, reading & writing ( to a lesser degree) are also ways of escaping. Think about it, for me, my mind is no longer racing or providing visual flashbacks of negativity. It's like I found bliss in my apathy.

Thank you for sharing this post. It's nice to know someone else has this experience. You have also helped me find a way to categorize it mentally.

susan said...

Thank you Moody Chick, Welcome to the wonderful world of Blogging.

Anonymous said...

Depression, schizophrenia & co. are empowering; they bring life into perspective, open doors for creativity and ingenuity... basically, a cure for Brainwashed Drone Syndrome. The problem is that society doesn't welcome 'our kind' - nor do we want to live in their shallow world.

Unfortunately, for as long as they're the dominant force and there's such conflict between us, we'll continue lashing out/being locked away/taking our own lives. I'm still trying to decide which course of action I'll take.

Jenny Gonzalez said...

I can relate to this too. I always feel so safe in my bed, but i cant stay long enough though, because i start feeling claustrophobic and get anxiety. And i hate it. I wish i could just stay all day long laying down, and be comfortable all day like that. Whenever i try to do soomething , like last week i tried a job, all i think of is just going back to my bed, to my comfortable zone. I only worked one day at my new job. And i got worse after that. I was dissapointed at myself. Now thinking of going out there to look for another job just feels like something so hard to do. What if i quit again? Just the thought of having to look and feel good for an interview, or have to fake that i feel great, oh god, i dont know what to do. I wonder if anyone feels the same.

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