Happy Hanukkah!

Been so busy running around getting things done for the holidays- just haven't had time to sit down and write.

Here is my favorite Hanukkah song- The Adam Sandler one- for all my friends who celebrate Hanukkah tonight. Come on over- I am making latkes.....but I need applesauce.

Eggs in a basket

This is a real gem, from Howard, who blogs at Non Breaking Space. I hope all enjoys it as much as I did. The original is here. For some strange reason, it really spoke to me today, perhaps it reminds me of Salinger's Seymour Glass.

All He Was Saying....

Today, if you haven't heard is the 29th anniversary of John Lennon's death. Had he lived, he would have been 69 this past October.

I just cannot bring myself to write about it.... It still is like a raw wound. I no longer cry when I hear Beatles songs on the radio, but I could not listen to them for years and years. I gave away/sold all my Beatle albums, the Capitol ones, the Apple ones, even the Butcher Cover Album I had. By the time I fell in love with John and Paul- they had long since broken up- but the sweetness was still there. First slow dance with a guy- at a cousin's Bar Mitzvah. The song was "If I fell". My first real kiss with a guy- the kind with tongue- the song on the radio was "You're gonna to loose that girl".

I still recall that night he died, clear as crystal. One of the few memories I still have that wasn't destroyed. Studying for an final exam in American History. Listening to either WMMR or WYSP. Freaking out when the female DJ went on air and freaked out.
Running down the hall to find someone, anyone in the dorm still up with a TV.

Taking the exam and seeing the prof with a black band around his arm. The whole college crying. Going into the city 24 hours later... and hanging out in front of the Dakota along with all the other fans, crying so hard I put out my candle thrice.

I cannot write anymore, I will not be journeying to Strawberry Fields this year.The Gothamist has some nice background story and where to hear tributes.

I don't know if there is a Heaven, but I hope, where ever John Lennon is, he is playing guitar with George and all the other rockers. Thank you John for your music.

Saturday Night Fever (on the brain)

Snow. Falling silently, softly, the neighbor's Christmas twinkle lights turning it all shades of blue, green, red, yellow. I lie in my bed, warm under five blankets, and the cat is near me. I have fresh washed flannel sheets on the bed, and to enjoy them even more, stripped down to my birthday suit, so I can feel flannel on my skin. It's a wonderful feeling. Window shade up, snow falling, I am lying in bed, propped up by two fluffy pillows, and one fluffy cat on my side, occasionally swiping a paw at an imaginary mousie she is chasing in her dreams. All I am missing is a cup of hot chocolate, on my night table.

Sounds nice, doesn't it? No. Not. My brain is going a million miles an hour. Since 2 pm the only thought in my head has been to change the lyrics on a popular song and sing it' - "Susan's got a gun".....but I don't have any. I do have a water pistol some where, but no... no gun. And again and again the thought goes through my brain- I wish I had one. But if I did, right at this moment, I would be too terrified these would be the last things I would be doing until I pointed it at my heart and pulled the trigger.

I am holding my AA coin in my right hand. Holding on to it for dear life. My 13 year coin. I have two- one for me and one I mailed to my blogging friend Mary. The last couple of days, I have been having drinking dreams, I dream of cool Long Island Ice Teas, White Russians, wine in slender glasses. I dream of getting high, feeling I can do no wrong, that I am indeed pretty, smart and a good person to be around. I have a trick up my sleeve- the same trick I used when I was first getting sober. Go to a 24 hour club, stay there all day if need be, and drink Diet Peach Snapple every time you want to drink.

So I am safe. Safe right now.... and trying to do every trick in the book to quiet my brain, hence, looking at snow and meditating. Giving into the purely hedonistic feel of flannel on an icy cold night against my warm skin. I'm staying alive.


In the morning, hopefully the thoughts will be quieter, and the loneliness I feel won't be so acute. Who knows? Maybe in the morning I will have something to look forward to, something to do that will take me away from my own existential angst. My own hell in my brain. Hopefully I will be able to eat something... and it will stay down. Hopefully I will be able to go to Sunday Dinner at my parents house. Hopefully, hopefully... it will be a good day.

Evening Ramblings

Not depressed but overall sadness encompassing, feels weird. Don't know if I should embrace it and write through it, or just sit on the couch, wrap up in my snuggie and smoke and cry through it. Ideas?

I wish there was someone here to hold me, just hold me.

I think Paul Simon said it better than I am trying.

"All my words come back to me,
in shades of mediocrity.
Like emptiness and harmony,
I need someone to comfort me".

Beautiful full moon outside. Humbling. I think I am going to sit on the couch with my baby panda bear and just look at it.


Comfort.

FDA has issued serious warning regarding Depakote in pregnancy

Philip Dawdy at Furious Seasons was the first to publish this story today.

"The FDA notified health care professionals and patients about the increased risk of neural tube defects and other major birth defects, such as craniofacial defects and cardiovascular malformations, in babies exposed to valproate sodium and related products (valproic acid and divalproex sodium) during pregnancy. Healthcare practitioners should inform women of childbearing potential about these risks, and consider alternative therapies, especially if using valproate to treat migraines or other conditions not usually considered life-threatening.

“Women of childbearing potential should only use valproate if it is essential to manage their medical condition. Those who are not actively planning a pregnancy should use effective contraception, as birth defect risks are particularly high during the first trimester, before many women know they are pregnant.” (FDA notice)

Philip brings up one very good point, why hasn't this hit the main stream press? As a former member of said main stream press, I want to know the same thing.

Thank you Gianna Kali and Fiddy for pointing this out to me.

Best real shows on TV start tonight

There is a family crisis small, but time consuming. - which is why I haven't been blogging. That and a yearly turkey coma.

I just want to inform all out there - that A&E channel will be starting two new seasons tonight. That of Intervention, and Hoarders. I cannot say enough for these two shows- both are fascinating, and worth a view, or a place on your Tivo if you cannot watch them. Both are graphic, raw accounts of mental illness, those who are addicted to something, either drugs, alcohol, or have eating disorders, or a combination.... and those who cannot stop collecting things. (Follow the above hyperlinks for archived shows on line)

On a lighter side, for those who have the cable channel and cannot wait til January 29, for Fox to air the US version, the UK version of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares starts on December 2, on the BBC America channel. ( I love watching Gordon Ramsay for some reason).

And just for fun- the NFL announced the half time show for the next Super Bowl will be The Who. It's like, I don't care who is in the game this year, let me watch the half time show in peace!

Hopefully back soon.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

In honor of Thanksgiving, enjoy this turkey recipe, by celebrated chef and Jersey Boy, Anthony Bourdain! Have a happy holiday everyone.

A Strange Week- and other thoughts, including turkeys

There is an old joke- you know you are old when...

This week I can answer that. You know you are old, when your parents can no longer do Thanksgiving, and ask you to take over.

Needless to say, I don't know if I am coming or going, and right now, cannot wait for Black Friday! Just too busy to write, blog, or do too much else.

On a sadder topic, blogger and one of my own personal muses, Philip Dawdy, of the Furious Seasons blog had to put down his beloved cat, Katie yesterday. I had to put down my beloved cat in December of 2002, and it was the hardest thing I ever did, and I still miss her muchly. Please stop by Philip's site and send condolences. It must be extremely sad to loose your friend right before the holiday season. Philip is also doing a fund drive, any spare change that can be sent is appreciated.

Back to the world of turkeys and trimmings.....and what to wear for dinner.

New NJ Law Reports on Ancora Incidents

Soon to be leaving Governor Corzine (D), signed nearly two dozen bills into laws on November 20, 2009, in an attempt to get his house in order before Governor-Elect Chris Christie (R) takes office in January. Most bills have been sitting on his desk for months. Among the new laws, Measures will be taken to restrict marketing of credit cards on college campuses, it's now illegai to sell and distribute novelty lighters, doctors can write several prescriptions at once for certain drugs, and police must now tell school principals when students commit certain crimes.

And according to NJ.Com:

One law, written after a series of violent incidents at the Ancora Psychiatric Hospital in Camden County, requires the Department of Human Services to report physical assaults and deaths at state-run psychiatric hospitals online and to the Public Advocate.

The law is "a direct response to delays in the release of statistics on assaults at Ancora Psychiatric Hospital (in Winslow)," the legislators said.

According to the Courier Post:

It requires the Department of Human Services to track the number of assaults and unexpected deaths at the hospitals. An online report is to be updated quarterly.

Another health bill, inspired by the death of a developmentally disabled woman who lived at a group home in Edison, requires facilities to give the medical examiner contact information for the deceased's relatives.

The sponsors included Assembly members Pamela Lampitt of Cherry Hill, Louis Greenwald of Voorhees, Sandra Love of Gloucester Township and Nilsa Cruz-Perez of Barrington, all Democrats.

Kudos to Corzine for signing these two mental health laws- but why did he have to wait until he was almost out of office to do it?