Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The urge to take the blue pill

There's this thin blonde with long legs and an incredibly short mini skirt, five inch black Manolo's, and a Channel bag. The kind of woman that when ever she enters the room every eye turns on her, both male and female. The females all hate her because her clothes and her makeup and hair are impeccable. The men all want - well duh! (This is a G rated blog!)

The tall, dark, handsome, man comes up to her and offers her a drink. She takes it in her perfectly manicured hands. They lock eyes and make small talk. "I'm Elmer T. Fudd, Millionaire. I own a mansion and a yacht." 


It's seven am, my alarm clock interrupts my reverie. It's just as well, my beautiful dream was unfolding- what the heck? Elmer Fudd? 

Only in my dreams do I feel pretty and look the way I want to be. Thin and tall. With long legs, like a Rockette's. Men notice me, something that doesn't happen often. Since adolescence I've been cursed with always being the "cute, quirky best friend" of the female protagonist in all the chick lit books and movies. It's fine when you are in your twenties, but when you get older- you want something a bit more. To be top banana. Just once. 

I'm going more and more into dream world. It's safe there. I can be anything I want to be. The world is perfect. There aren't 7 million people crammed together on one planet, it's just me, my Prince Charming, a library in the castle, and of course, some cats and dogs. Everything is beautiful, and nobody gets hurt. 

I don't want to wake. 

I really hate my life right now. Hmm. Hate is a harsh word, let's restate. I dislike my life right now. I miss working, I miss being around people. I'm tired of being tired from the kidney meds and other meds I am on. I'm sleeping 16 hours a day. My brain feels like split pea soup. 

I  can't see a way out of my morass, despite the things I am trying to do to stay out of it. I am getting dressed every day. I do the little hygiene things, brush teeth, brush hair. Remember to shower every day, and wash hair every second. Under normal circumstances, these things make me feel better. Now they don't. I even go to an old standby- a long bath, and a scented candle. Nothing. 

Even a self manicure doesn't ameliorate, despite a beautiful new shade of polish. 

I don't have the energy to go to the gym, but I try to walk. My feet are like lead- I can barely move them. There is nothing physically wrong with them, it takes more energy to move them than I have. Something flickers in my mind- High School chemistry, energy required to move an inanimate object. 

I'm not comfortable being around people anymore. It takes too much effort to do something like smile. The art of desultory conversation is lost. I just want to be invisible. I long for my childhood dreams of being invisible and flying. I hate New Jersey. I can fly anywhere to get out of this hell, despite the fact I have an incredible fear of heights. Somehow in my flying dreams, this is not an issue. 

I know it's depression oriented. I know as I am getting older, my depressive episodes are getting worse and worse, each one a bit more lethal while I am under it. Mania hardly ever comes anymore, my last bit of mania was in February. I despair thinking that each episode will get worse. No silver lining. At least I have my dreams. 

I walk back from the supermarket across the street. Kitty food, and a Subway for dinner. It should be good, I have not eaten in over 24 hours. I feed the cat, change her box, give her some love, and some play. Put the sandwich in the fridge, I'm not that hungry, really. It will keep. I put my pj's back on, tie my hair up in a scrunchie, brush my teeth, wash my face. Back to bed. The sheets feel glorious. The electric blanket gets turned on. I turn out the light, and lie on my back, looking at the sun reflecting on the falling leaves from the bedroom window. The cat comes in and burrows next to me, her breath smelling like Fancy Feast fish. It's a little bit of heaven. I'm still blue, but I'm near dream land. And in my dreams I can be anything or anyone I want to be. It's not the right decision, but for now, it's the only one I want to make. 


Sharon Pernes said...

Well you sound like you get thru the day ok,

Sharon Pernes said...

Please think of everyday as a victory and you will get there!

susan said...

Thanks Sharon. You are absolutely right. It's just some days it's easier to sleep through the day than to live it= I know that's not right and I have to fight it.

Wendy said...

I had a dream last night about taking a baseball bat to my last therapist. After beating the stuffing out of him I thought - chech, that' done!!! Yes that dream state is keeping me out of jail!
And people wonder why I have been in therapy for the last 10 years...

Duane Sherry, M.S. said...


I hope you might take a look at some of the links on my site, particularly on the 'Body' page (scroll through until you find information on depression from the Vitamin D Council)...

There may be some things that will help you (sometimes, it's a combination of things) -

You're in my prayers,

Ruth said...

I so understand being sick and tired of being sick and tired. Keep putting foot in front of another. Take care, Ruth

Duane Sherry, M.S. said...


This is a good link also -

My best,


MakeThisLookAwesome said...

I can understand needing to take a break for a while. I took a year off from any efforts to get better. It was just too much trying to get through the day. But eventually I got to the other side.

One thing my counselor told me was that it took *her* a year to recover from taking care of her mother, and she wasn't even the sick one! This stuff is really hard. Yeah, the depression sounds like a big factor. But as far as I'm concerned, there's nothing wrong with just relaxing for a while. To me, it's better than burnout, ya know?

Good on you for doing the small things... those are really difficult for me some days!

Anonymous said...

I'm always blessed by your entries - - they make me feel less isolated. With some of them, I think you are writing about me.

I love the comment from Sharon Pernes that recommends looking at each day as a victory. Very empowering. I need to think like that.

Much love to you and all those who visit this site.

susan said...

@Wendy- I understand. How about one of those hitting sticks that is all padded though? They actually look like fun. (grin).

@Duane, thank you for the links. YOu have a lot of information on your blog.

@Ruth, thank you for understanding. Some days just putting one foot in front of another is a huge accomplishment.

@MakeThisLookAwesome- wow. I needed this. I agree, I would rather nap than burn out.

@Anon- thank you. Every time I feel like I can't write anymore and want to quit the blogosphere, I think of people like you and can't do it. Your comment really means a lot to me to keep on truckin-well, writing.

Spanner said...

The beautiful thing is all well and good but you're born with it. Where as cute and quirky suggests a life and style shaped by the owner.
Cute and quirky does it for me :-)

Fred said...

I like your idea of flying "anywhere to get out of this hell." I have to travel in my mind because I can't get away from work, life, etc. One thing that I do for "travel" is Google Earth. You can look right down into the streets of Venice, or where ever. I'm kinda crazy about Iceland these days. Don't even know why. Maybe its the barrenness of it. Anyway, to make it more real I found some friends in Iceland. We exchange gifts by mail and stuff.

susan said...

@Spanner- glad you like the cute and quirky. ;)

Fred- I do the same thing. Dream of other places to live, to visit. I saw something on Iceland the other day on TV- I wouldn't mind living there- I can't tolerate heat, and love the cold. Maybe I was a polar bear in a past life. I've not used Google Earth though- I will have to try that. Thank you!

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