Trying not to be a Grinchette

I'm here. If I said the last few months, if not this last year has been horrible, I don't know if too many people would believe me. 

It has been impossible to write. I stay in bed most of the day because that is all I can do. I've wanted to write and I try, but I didn't. My brain seemed broken, and even worse, when I was able to write a few words, for my blog, they seemed hollow, empty and meaningless. I didn't want to upset anyone. 

This blog, which has always been my baby, the thing that got me out of bed and gave me a reason to live, was withering, I just couldn't function. I'm sorry. 

I have a new psychiatrist. I saw him earlier this month, and he did an evaluation. My axis V is a number between 10-15. I'm barely functioning right now. 

Thank you for the emails and comments. I can't tell you how much they mean to me, all the times where I was falling and drowning, they saved me. 

I'm still here and the blog is still active, even if I am not. Best wishes for a very happy holiday, and let's hope the new year is better. 

A video with love from me, and from Holly. Kittens make everything better. 

Best Cute Fix in the Universe

This has to be the best cute fix in the universe. Other than puppies and babies, what else is cuter? KITTENS!

Trust Liz Spikol, to come up with the mother of all cute fixes= A Kitten Cam.






Ah Liz. You might have a girl crush on Michelle Obama, but I sure have a girl crush on you.

Cat fix video

I just came back from my friend Kevin's memorial service. As you can see from two previous entries, he died unexpectedly and suddenly last weekend at the age of 28.


I am still, raw numb, my body aching from unshed tears and wanting to cry and have not been able to since I heard the news. Could not cry when I saw the family pictures, spoke to the widow and the brother, saw the urn with the ashes.

I have a friend with me now who drove up from DC to attend. She will leave in the morning, but right now she and the cat are snuggling in the bedroom, door shut and I am on the computer, trying to wind down from the day and to sleep.

All I can say is even though my ECT was a huge mistake, and it did horrible damage to me, I am alive. I am breathing, I looked at the full moon tonight, now waning, and I am alive. I AM ALIVE.

In the years since I have been diagnosed, and on meds, and even now with my med cocktail, I have never been so glad to be alive as I am right now.

Oh how I wish people like David Foster Wallace, Sylvia Plath, Kurt Cobain- my friend Kevin- were still here too. It's a beautiful thing to be alive. Even if your brain isn't working as well as you want.

I need a cat fix. This was done by a friend and stars Bullwinkle and Rocky the kittens.

Enjoy.