For D- When ever I may find him

Leave it to my best friend in the universe to give me good advice.

Not to mention he is the only one in the universe that can call me Sue and live.

A video, a memory, a dream, for you dearest one.


Lighthouse Family, "Lifted".

(Video disabled to post. Damn)

Nightmare-The Red Cat Redux

Ten days ago I wrote on a nightmare I had. I wrote it down literally within a minute or two of waking.

It's taken me a few days to think about it, and since I have written about it, I have dreamed about it again, a small red cat in a basket and a binky, that when I picked it up, I was covered in blood.


I think it is on a few levels. A kitten- well, even on days where I don't visit the blogs I want to, I see a blog called "The Daily Kitten". Is there anything cuter in the world than a kitten, or a puppy?


Yes, a baby. A human baby. I think somehow, my brain is responding to my body crying out- after all, I am a woman in her 40's and time is running out on that old Biological Clock. My body is screaming to my brain- "She's got a birthday coming up! She better find someone nice to procreate with fast!"

And another thing I have noticed, once a month, I am like a female cat in heat. Literally wailing for it. Maybe it's my body's reaction to "Hurry up, please, it's time" at the pub, while you finish your pints quickly and wonder if you can sneak another round in before closing time.


And the blood on my hands but not on my mother's? Pretty Freudian stuff. My mother doesn't menstruate anymore. I still do. That has to be it. And feeling like one of Tennyson's Knights in "Idylls", that is me, trying to make closure with the fact you come into this world alone, you leave it alone, and sometimes, you don't get a chance to pass on your DNA. Life was never said to be fair.

The funny thing is, once I realized this, the dream ended. But I still dream of kittehs. I suppose it's better than Cherry Garcia Ice Cream.

Michael Jackson was on some cocktail when he died.

I am still gutted by Michael Jackson's death. Bit of Trivia- I had a Jackson 5 lunch box when I was little,

So yesterday, when the UK Sun newspaper posted this story- I was hooked, I had to read it. If this is true-he was on some med cocktail when he died.

My mother, being of a different generation than me, (obviously) thinks of Elvis dying on a huge med cocktail. I will always now think of Michael Jackson. I wish this wasn't so.



According to the Sun,
Jackson was on the following when he died.

Vicodin
PRESCRIPTION painkiller containing paracetamol and the opiate hydrocodone.

It usually comes in a tablet form. US rapper Eminem was addicted to the drug.

Dilaudid
POWERFUL painkiller derived from morphine.

Used to numb post-surgery pain, chronic back pain and broken bones.

Users can become anxious and suffer severe mood swings.

Xanax
AN anti-anxiety pill that fights panic attacks and aids sleep, meant for short-term use only.

The drug is also thought to boost the risk of heart problems.

Soma
THESE muscle relaxant tablets are known to be highly addictive but they are particularly effective for tackling back pain.

They can cause severe drowsiness in users.

Prilosec
TREATS acid reflux (when stomach acid leaks to the gullet) and ulcers.

Such conditions are common in those with irregular eating patterns and disorders like anorexia.


Paxil

Treats severe depression, social phobia, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder.

Linked to heightened suicide risk and increased depression.

Demerol
MORPHINE-based potent painkiller, used to numb pain after ops or birth.

Only medics may administer it.

Drug puts pressure on heart. Users can struggle to breathe.

Zoloft
ANTI-anxiety tablets taken to stave off panic attacks and depression.

They should not be used with any other anti-depressants.

They have been known to cause insomnia in users.

Hat tip to the wonderful Fiddy, anti Paxil crusader extraordinaire

Has Michael Jackson died?

Matt Drudge is reported less than ten minutes ago that pop star Michael Jackson has died. What is known is he was rushed to the hospital in Los Angeles, not breathing.


Here is the report Drudge is using.

Michael Jackson Dies
Posted Jun 25th 2009 5:20PM by TMZ Staff
We've just learned Michael Jackson has died. He was 50.

Michael suffered a cardiac arrest earlier this afternoon and paramedics were unable to revive him. We're told when paramedics arrived Jackson had no pulse and they never got a pulse back.

Michael is survived by three children: Michael Joseph Jackson, Jr., Paris Michael Katherine Jackson and Prince "Blanket" Michael Jackson II.

Jackson had 13 number one hits during his solo career.

Here are two of my favorite songs by Jackson




With the Jackson 5. I had such a crush on him back then





Story developing...Let's pray it isn't true.

It seems to be true. WCBS TV just announced it and it's on their web site. The LA Times has it on their website here.

Just Breaking-R.I.P. Farrah Fawcett

How sad. I grew up watching "Charlie's Angels". My sister and I , along with a couple other girls from the neighborhood would play "Charlie's Angels". One would be Charlie of course, my sister always wanted to be Farrah, i wanted to be Jacklyn, and someone from the neighborhood would be Kate. All the boys in Jr. High had that famous picture of Farrah in their lockers, holding a lock of her gorgeous hair, and smiling that smile. You couldn't escape that picture, even Mel, from "Alice" had it on a T shirt.


She was such a diverse actress, going from the Noxema girl (with Joe Namath) to Charlies Angels, to playing a incredibly dramatic part like that of Diane Downs, in a made for TV special. She had me believing she was evil.


And today at the age of 62, somehow that doesn't seem that old- she died. At her side was former husband the actor Ryan O'Neal (of Love Story and Paper Moon fame), and a I just think- somewhere in Hollywood,a star really loose it's light.

RIP Farrah, and thank you.


Obit is here.

Thank you, thank you, and love to Liz

I really feel blessed to have people in my life, sometimes when I don't think I do. One of them is Liz Spikol, editor of Philadelphia Weekly magazine, and proud blogger of The Trouble With Spikol.


I met Liz about 2 years ago, she came to give a talk to my support group, and she brought the house down. She is slender in person, with the most beautiful hair I have ever seen in my life. As she told her story, she entranced us like Scheherazade, telling her story about her childhood, her parents, and sibling, her time at college, and then her time in a mental hospital in Texas, her experiences (good bad and ugly) with different drugs, and yes, ECT. You could hear a pin drop. For two hours we were enthralled. Then it was over, she gave me a bone crushing hug, we walked out together in the night air, passed the crowd smoking, and she showed me she had rented a car to take the trip from Philly to Princeton. I had tears in my eyes.

Hearing Liz's story reminded me of my own, our upbringing and parents are almost carbon copies of each other, and our ECT experience could have been the same. I always thought of Liz as a cool younger sister somehow. I really truly like her. She also helped me out when my marriage ended by publishing little snippets I was writing as therapy, anything to keep my mind occupied back then. "Writing and ice cream", Liz said, though she is so thin, I doubt she eats much of it. And as for writing, her father is also a brilliant writer- if you can find a used copy of his books on Amazon it's worth it.


Yesterday Liz showed what a big heart she has, by publishing some of my ramblings. I do, I confess, get very very depressed bordering on suicidal ideation in July and August. Part of it is from years of lithium use, I cannot tolerate heat, I cannot tolerate sun, I have to stay where it's nice and cold. if I were rich, I would go to Alaska during this time and just live near the snow, and be a snow bunny.

I was amazed at the kindness of her readers, and the people who came here. I plan on thanking everyone personally, over the next few days. I didn't think anyone cared for other people- depression will do that to you. Make you forget about the good in the universe, and see only the bad.

I am grateful to Liz, and to all that replied.

And Liz- I am going to come down to see you, and bring you the biggest cheesesteak Geno's makes for lunch.

I am in a Commercial for TV

I spent the morning at the Princeton Battlefield Park filming a television commercial for a hotline that I volunteer for. The grass was dewy and made it almost impossible to walk in my flip flops, and i was upstaged by the black squirrels.


It took a lot out of me, we shot almost 40 minutes that will be condensed down to about a minute and half, and shown on TV in September. I don't know if it will be just the Tri State area (NJ, NY, CT) and PA, or nationwide.

I will have my own copy in September, and post it up here then.


I am totally in shadows, under a fake name, which is pretty easy to figure out- and hopefully, not upstaged to badly from the squirrels.

For those interested in American Revolutionary History, below are some photos of the park and videos here.

I am really spent, headachy, and need to decompress, and will be back on line tomorrow.

Something to lighten the load

After that last blog entry, here is one that should bring smiles.

Background

I am just tired. Tired of feeling ill from my meds 24/7. Tired of being too sick to work. Tired of not having any money and applying for food stamps and subsidized housing.

Tired in the fact the one trip to the city I took since 07 cause I didn't have the money to go= I get comped two tickets for "Next to Normal", and it triggers every trigger I have in the universe. I haven't been the same since i saw the play.


Other than underwear, I have not bought any new clothes since 07. I have not gone anywhere, unless you count Princeton and New Brunswick. I don't.

Living in the burbs where it's all families and young marrieds commuting into the city- it sucks, I should be in a city- any city somewhere. Not here. Please not here.

All I ever wanted from the time I graduated from college was to be a wife and mother. The ex said he wanted children, after we married I found out he didn't. Hence the annullment. I would have never married him if he had told the truth.

All I have at this point of my life, are broken dreams. I don't have any dreams now.

"

Loose your dreams and you will loose your mind"- Rolling Stones, Ruby Tuesday

I spend my days popping pills to sleep 18 -20 hours a day so I can be as close to death as I can without actually being dead. I have a blog which got some awards but no one visits. All I know how to do is write. And I wonder if I can every really do that.

All I know, I just want to be somewhere else before my birthday. That's it. I just don't know how to get there.


The cat will be fine. AK or Peter will take care of her. I am not fine. I need a dream, or a dirt nap.

Waiting for Godot

Does anyone else feel that way? You spend your whole entire life waiting for Godot, and he never shows up?

Why wait? Why bother?

Sigh.