One more thing before the New Year Comes

Just food for thought.

Two days ago, the USA saw it's largest baby ever born-coming in at 14 pounds. It was so big (how big was it?) it took 2 doctors to lift it out of it's mother's womb. And yes, it was a C section. I am in severe pain thinking pushing that baby out the other way.

On the same day the USA"s oldest person passed away at 112.

There has to be symbolism there, but it escapes me right now.

Happy New Year/Anno Horribilis

(New Years Revelers in Times Square, NYC, 2008)



As I said in an earlier post, I hate New Year's Eve. With all my heart and all my soul. I find myself curiously depressed, I know what to do, but still it's a day for mostly being in bed, listening to music or talk radio, snuggling with the cat. Dinner will be a hoagie and a rented movie from Redbox. It isn't going to the worst New Years, but it won't be the best .It I think of J- I will get mad. If I think of D- my heart will break.

This really has been my Anno Horribilis- the worst year of my life. It started with 2 stays in a Psychiatric Hospital- one to get a meds adjustment ,and the second longer one ,from suicidal ideation from Remeron. Then 10 days in hospital with Pneumonia in March. Then April and May, and June dealing with a near death reaction to Haldol- which made me spend 5 days in hospital and 3 weeks in a Rehab Hospital. learning how to walk and move my arms again.

I mean to write about it, but I will in a better place.


All I can do now is write to one friend and crawl back into bed, with the striped one and watch the snow. Oh yes, Expected 6-12 inches of the white stuff today.

I wish everyone a Happy and Healthy New Year.

I wish foe Peace on Earth- it seems that several areas of the world right now are in such turmoil, I cannot watch the evening news.

I wish there will be a cure for Cancer, Aids, and a broken heart.

I wish people took better care of their children and pets.

I wish children did not go to bed hungry, or afraid.

I wish next year I had someone to sit on the sofa with me on New Years Eve and give me a proper New Years Kiss.

A Ray of Hope in New Brunswick, NJ

New Jersey has traditionally concentrated its mental health money on housing and medical care, not on programs like Laurel House, according to board members. “We gave them decent housing, but we didn’t give them hope, and they vegetated,” said another founder, Jackson Toby, 83, a retired sociology professor at Rutgers.


From Sunday, December 28, 2008 New York Times-Laurel House in New Brunswick is a great place to be with others. I can personally vouch for this place and am thrilled they got a beautiful article in the Times.

Doctor to Be Tried for Online Prescription of SSRI

A Colorado doctor who prescribed an anti-depressant to a patient over the Internet without ever seeing him will go on trial in California on charges of practicing medicine without a license in that state, The San Francisco Chronicle reports. The patient, a 19-year-old Stanford University student, committed suicide in 2005.

Requiescat in Pace

Cleopatra.

April ? 1987-December 30, 2002.


'She is a very fine cat, a very fine cat indeed.'

(Johnson to Boswell, gender changed for cat).

My Personal Writing Space

I have been writing almost non stop for the last couple of days. What I have are very personal pieces and I am debating with myself to post or not to post, that is the question. While I figure this out... and do some much needed clean up on my site with the blogroll- I will be taking a day off.

The picture is my writing space- in the kitchen- with my iBook G4, You can see my second hard drive, and the cookbooks and Beanie Babies that surround it. From the window I can see a big, very old Oak tree, which in Spring and Summer houses a bird family that come back every year, building a nest and raising baby birdies. Both my cats would watch this progression, like it was number one on the "Cat TV" list. Either that or they were dreaming of of ways to serve the new born baby birds.

I will give a brand new Beanie Baby to the first reader who can tell me the applications in that photo resting on the Dock application.

Why I Hate New Years-REPOST

This piece was written two years ago....This does not indicate my state of mind at the moment

New Years is a bad night for me. Part of me thinks of the old Barry Manilow song, "It's just another New Year's Eve/It's just a night like all the rest..."

Part of me is feeling sad. Depressed. Wanting to put a gun to my head and pull the trigger. I realized yesterday when I w as eating Chinese in the Village with a friend of mine, that I was conceived on New Years Eve by a 12 year old girl who had too much to drink. Could my earliest memory of consciousness be that of my conception between a drunk sperm and a drunk egg?


After all, drunken conception is nothing new, it has been happening as long as primal man slithered out of the the primal ooze that was the river Charybdis and became the genus Homo. John Lennon once made a comment about half the people in the world being conceived by too much alcohol on a Saturday night. I shouldn't be teasing these Saturday night specials, after all it made my father's side of the family multi multi millionaires. It is like the Bible says "the sins of the parents are passed down to their children?"


I am lonely. I feel lonely. Thinking about conception has made me horny. But I don't want to get laid. I don't know what I want. I have an urge to fly; I want to have one of those flying dreams I use to have when I was a child, but don't anymore. But I do not know where I would fly to. There is no where I want to go other than my bed. I want to sleep. I never want to wake up again. This horrible thing is depression, and it has me in it's sharp talons, not letting me go. I am screaming, and no one is listening. No one can hear my soul in pain.


I had my last drink on September 26, 1996. I can still recall it, sometimes I can still taste it. September 25, I had a bottle of red wine, adding grain (Everclear) to it so I could get buzzed faster. I passed out. I woke up the next day, no cottonmouth, but thirsty. I went to an AA meeting where being so thirsty, I couldn't even hold my glass of water. Finally got some down, got drunk again, and went into the DT's. I have not had a drink since then. Every time I get an urge, I recall that drink, the DT's; being strapped down to a bed and shaking so badly that the bed was moving, and the feeling passes. At the time I was drinking, I was hell bent on destroying myself. I was in pain, felt my life had not meaning, and it was easier to stay drunk than to actually live.

Now I have tonight.

I want to drink tonight. I want to take a bottle of vodka and take a long hot bath in my pajamas. Drinik the bottle in the bath tub. And when the bottle is empty, crash it against the bathtub, shattering it. Taking the shardsand slitting my wrists, my ankles, my throat. How long would it take to see the blood ebb out before going to sleep? I just want the pain to stop. I want the loneliness to stop. I feel all alone. I feel empty. I feel worthless. I feel like I should have been born dead. I don't know why I was conceived in the first place.

I'm hollow. I don't even feel alive anymore. I feel like a Basilisk. Dead. Empty.

I am not afraid of dying. That is easy. It is living that is hard, and living , so much of it sucks. I feel the loneliness the despair and it chokes me. I do not know who to ask for help. Maybe I don't want it. All I know when I feel like this, I want to curl up and never wake again.


Please God, grant me that one wish. Please. Because I am afraid of tomorrow. I feel as if I have been lied to, it does not get better. All the hard work I have done, that I am doing, back breaking work when I hit bottom to be where I am now, was it worth it? I do not mind being alone. I cannot handle lonely anymore. I feel so lonely I really could die.


All that hard work, and just now, when I feel the most vunerable, the most wounded, the one time I need someone I am alone. Like Tennyson's Percival, if I was to see the Holy Grail, I would know that this quest is not for me. Like Percival, the purest of Arthur's knights, , but still not pure enough to touch the Grail. I am not a knight in shining armor. The only dragons I have slain are of my own making.

And I just can't see this fairy tale ending happily. A long time ago I use to do tarot readings. They said I was psychic. I can often see how people will die in this lifetime. I have seen my own death, and know it will be by my own hand, 2 years from now give or take. And this prophesy I want to change. I just want not to be alone right now. I just want someone to hold me until this feeling passes. I s that asking so much? But as always, I am alone. YOu come into this world alone , you die alone, but I never thought this middle part called life would find me alone as well.

Even cats get the blues

I know I suffer from depression but I have been noticing the striped one has been hypersleeping as well. Could it be the rain and snow and sleet that has blanketed so much of the US has made her feel lethargic, or is she picking up signals from me, who is currently in the grips of my worst depression since 93? I don't know, but I found this article and it's fascinating.


Preventing feline wintertime blues.

Although cats might not be formally diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder or SAD, the mood disorder that causes some people to experience symptoms of depression in the winter, veterinarians and feline fanciers say they do notice similar changes in some cats.

One in three cat owners finds that their pets seem more sad and less playful in the winter, according to a 2007 survey by People's Dispensary for Sick Animals (PDSA), England's largest veterinary charity.

How Winter Can Affect Your Kitty's Behavior

Like their human counterparts, kitties can show changes in energy levels, appetite, sleep patterns and temperament when exposure to light decreases. Dr. Elizabeth Colleran, DVM, sees it every winter. Dr. Colleran maintains feline-only practices in both Chico, Calif., and Portland, Ore. The weather might be a bit gray in Portland, but it's fairly consistent year-round, says Dr. Colleran. Her feline clientele in Portland doesn't demonstrate noticeable seasonal changes. But Dr. Colleran has noted quite a seasonal shift in the kitties she sees in Chico, which is hot and sunny in the summer but far gloomier during the winter.

"I really do see a difference, I'm absolutely convinced of it," says Dr. Colleran. In the wild, other cat behaviors, such as mating, are related to exposure to light. It's therefore logical to assume that the onset of winter might have some effect on your kitty as well, Dr. Colleran explains.

Helping Kitty Cope
Fortunately, you can do plenty to perk up your moping feline. Simple changes in your behavior and activities in the winter might also play a role in how your cat is behaving, says Dr. Givin. If you and your veterinarian have ruled out medical causes for your kitty's malaise, here are several areas to consider when it comes to your cat's wintertime behavior:

Exposure to light All cats notice changes in light, so make sure you open curtains to let the sun in, says Dr. Givin. Natural light can be important for your cat's mood. You can also place a small lamp near your cat's bed, making sure your kitty isn't exposed to a hot bulb or isn't likely to knock the lamp over. Shorter winter days mean your kitty might be stuck in a dark, gloomy house, awaiting your return in the evening.

Temperature changes Houses can be a bit chillier as we try to trim energy bills. The ideal temperature for cats is 75 F, says Dr. Givin. Since it's unlikely you'll keep your house that warm, make sure your cat has warm options, such as a heated cat bed, a bed near a sunny window or a place to snooze near a safe heater. If you keep a litter box in a garage or basement, you might find a change in your cat's bathroom habits.

Sleep patterns "We shouldn't just assume it's OK to sleep 23 out of 24 hours a day," Dr. Colleran says. If your cat is sleeping more than usual, it could be a case of the wintertime blues.

Activity We tend to slow down in the winter, and it's easy to forget that cats still require our interaction, says Dr. Colleran. Remind yourself to interact with your cat, especially on those nights when you simply want to curl up on the sofa with a warm blanket. Add novelty to your kitty's life by changing toys, hanging a bird feeder near a window or simply moving around an assortment of cardboard boxes for your kitty to explore.

Eating habits Just like people, cats may eat out of boredom or for comfort. If you notice your cat eating more or gaining weight this winter, make sure to take control of its portions and to discuss with your veterinarian how much your kitty should be eating.

Knowing your cat well -- winter and summer -- is the best way to judge behavioral changes. As Dr. Colleran concludes, "You have to really be aware of what's going on with your cat."

Photo is Holly the Striped one with her favorite stuffed animal-taking a catnap

A Holiday Tragedy for "The Sopranos"

The Brooklyn actor who played Johnny Cakes - the gay-fireman lover of a mob capo on "The Sopranos" - killed himself in a holiday tragedy that has stunned family and friends.

From today's New York Post,

Costelloe, a former FDNY firefighter, shot himself in the head in his basement bedroom on Dec. 16, cops and pals said.

Costelloe had a crucial four-episode arc on "The Sopranos" in 2006, playing short-order cook Jim "Johnny Cakes" Witowski.

In the hit HBO series, actor Joseph Gannascoli - a longtime friend of Costelloe's - played mobster and closeted homosexual Vito Spatafore, who fled New Jersey after he was outed.

While on the run in New Hampshire, Vito met Witowski, whose specialty was Johnny cakes, a cornmeal pancake. "Sopranos" writers seemed to take a page from Costelloe's firefighting past and included it in the storyline.

In the show, Vito became attracted to Johnny Cakes once he learned the short-order cook was a volunteer firefighter, before being whacked by his homophobic rivals.

"I was shocked when I heard, and it still hasn't really sunk in," Gannascoli told the Post. "I never detected anything troubling about him. I enjoyed all the time I ever spent with him."

In real life, Costelloe worked 11 years at Ladder Cos. 109 and 110 in Brooklyn before retiring in 1998.

I love "The Sopranos", and my sympathies and prayers are with Mr. Costelloe's family. I don't think there is anyone who is reading this who hasn't been tempted to go into that Good Night- I know I have attempted- and every suicide is a tragedy- yet I cannot help but thinking, if he had just reached out to those that love us, he would still be with us.

Please, if you are reading this and you are suicidal, there are references on the side bar of sites to go and numbers to call. YOu are not alone. The feeling will pass, I promise you it does.

Peace.

A Post for no reason other than I liked the photo

To celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, the Empire State Building's lights have been split: Two sides are blue and white (for Hanukkah) while the other two are red and green (for Christmas). The lights remain split through January 6, 2009