Watching TV, Family and other Musings

I have to admit when I am blue some things just cheer me up. The little things that remind me of childhood. Watching half an hour of Spongebob Square Pants in my bunny slippers. A cup of hot chocolate in the wintertime, with little marshmallows. Playing in the snow. I really love this time of year.


One of my guilty TV pleasures is a British Comedy called 
“Red Dwarf”, and another is an Adam Sandler comedy movies. Both these things take me away for a bit out of the present and into a funny place where I can laugh and feel safe. 


So this weekend I rented an Adam Sandler movie, "Click",  on DVD.  I had wanted to see it when it came out in theatres, but never got around to it. The story in a nutshell is nothing new, stressed man gets a universal remote control that makes him fast forward the boring parts of his life. Unfortunately, he also used it to fast forward the good parts of life, like the entire weekend, so he could work on a project and get that promotion. So while he is working in real time on the promotion, he is living his life on fast forward. Stick with me, the movie does work! 

Of course there is the standard epiphany, straight out of something an angel like Clarence would give- Adam Sandler realizes he has fast forwarded 30 or 40 years of his adult life up to the moment when he dies. (you cannot fast forward that!). And he realizes he has missed out on his children growing up, his wife becoming dissatisfied and subsequently divorcing him. (In hindsight, maybe it’s a GOOD thing not to recall your divorce!). 

His dying words to his son, who has become just like him, another work-aholic, is “Family comes first”.

Of course, there is a twist, and I don’t want to ruin this for anyone, but this movie, much like my favorite holiday movie “It’s a Wonderful Life”, is that something happens to you to show you that you really do have a good life and are valuable. 

But believing it is another thing. And realizing that your family does come first again, is another thing. 

Over the years I have whinged at psychiatrists, therapists and support groups that I wish I had an angel like Clarence who would show me I had a wonderful life. That every time I was on the brink of ending it all, Clarence would say “Susan, don’t! You have a wonderful life!”

Have I? 

This illness has robbed me of one thing- parts of my life. Like the Adam Sandler movie, I have chosen to fast forward when my life has gotten to hard for me to handle. My fast forward is called SLEEP. I have been guilty of hyper sleep, and when I don’t know what to do, I will seek the comfort of a good 4-hour nap. And by doing this, I believe I have slept more than the standard 1/3rd of my life away. I think I am up to a higher fraction. Maybe 40-45 percent. Life I cannot get back, life I have lost by not living it. Time I did not spend with my parents. Time I could have been doing volunteer work, going for walks to loose weight, reading or taking adult ed courses to keep my brain active. Even a second job when the money was tight. I chose the easy way out, by sleeping. 

Don’t get me wrong. Sleep is important. But not when you don’t need it, not as a mean as escaping, not when it is taken over spending time with your family because you don’t want to. 

One of the things  someone I use to know said, that once we feel better we need to take control of our lives, then we MUST work on recovery. We cannot think the meds, whether you take them or not,  are going to do all the work.  I am a member of AA- with a 14th anniversary sobriety date as of this past September. I know every day I must work at this, and recovery from my bipolar is just the same. I cannot wait for Clarence to stop me and say I have a wonderful life. I have to eliminate the middleman, and live it myself. It's hard. I just want, I just want Clarence at the end to tell me I did have a wonderful life.  But you know, in the end, Clarence isn't going to tell me that. The only one that will tell me that is me. I have to believe I am wonderful again. 

Sleep Glorious Sleep

Several days of positive energy, brain clear. Some domestic chores done, but then, as always, crash. Last two days in bed, wanting to sleep, and sleep doesn't come. Reading some old books on European royalty I found in the back of my bookshelf.

I think my moods have reverted back to the way they were in Junior High and High School- medium to low functioning, and petrified to be around people. Lying in bed for hours at night watching the moon move as the earth rotates through my bedroom window. Wanting to sleep, being so bone tired it doesn't come. Cursing to someone unseen for some Zzz's. Unlike High School- I don't have the energy to cook, if I do find myself in the kitchen, it's to grab a handful of cold cereal, or a piece of fruit.  I put fresh water and kibble in the cat bowls...and back to bed, turning on the bedside radio to a talk station, and stare at the ceiling. Eyes briming with unshed tears.

Which brings me to my family - who think I am doing this on purpose. I think not. Outside my apartment window, I can hear the children playing, the Seniors walking, or outside at my neighbors patio, drinking ice tea or lemonade and chatting about their grandchildren.  I can hear the sound of the commuters waiting at the bus stop as they wait for the bus to collect them and take them into the city. I long to go with them, spend a day walking around in the city, even just being able to pluck up the courage to get dressed, get in the car and get to Target where I can buy some much needed underwear.  Staying at home because you are too panicked to go outside- not having any energy to change your clothes, or do basic hygiene like showering, yes, this is living. This is great. The depression - this last bout has severed all my friendship ties. I just cannot even find energy to talk on the phone, the writing, one if not the only raison d'etre in my life, is labored if and when it comes.

I have spent the last hour and a half on this piece. I am beyond tired, and want to lie down in bed again. The cat will lie next to me, and maybe, just maybe when I wake up, I will feel energetic again. If i don't I shudder to think of the alternative.

sleep from meds being cut down?

One of the things I have noticed when I am depressed I hyper sleep. It feels good, and I cannot stop.

That has been my life the last couple of days. I cannot stop. It's like I don't know what to do with myself during the day. So I sleep. MY meds are being cut in half, only Seroquel is updated. I really just want to sleep. 

Is this normal?

on one vistoril pill

600 mg lithium

2 congentins, (2x a day)

2 klonepins

one more that excapes me, plus pain pill from my back.

More Medical rants

I have not slept in a day and a half. 

Two of my meds ran out, and the new pdoc refuses to renew them, here idea is to wean me off them. 

Not go cold turkey, I tell her receptionist this morning. Wean. 

She refuses to give them to me, they are anxiety, and I still have Seroquel and Haldol, I should be OK. 

So what to do? '

Wait til tomorrow and see how you feel.

My skin is crawling inside out. My heart is racing. I cannot stop the thoughts, though I know how to. All I am doing is taking one seroquel, one haldol and hoping it will calm me down. It didn't. I need to sleep. Tylenol PM, downing like Pez candies. Lie down and sleep for 20 minutes. Wake up, urinate, and try to sleep. 

Anxiety off the chain, cannot breathe, feels like my skin is moulting. 

Like the alien that comes out of John Hurt's stomach.

Just turning inside out, Ugh I hate this, is this what going crazy is like?