3 am again, another dark night of the soul

Well, the suicidal ideation passed. I was white knuckling it. doing every trick I knew to stop it. A long bath. Playing with DA BIRD with the cat. Surfing the web to figure out what to bring to my mom's house for Thanksgiving. But having spent the day alternating between copious amount of vomiting and diarrhea and then going to the ER to get hydrated and a shot so I could actually eat something, I was just feeling miserable. And lonely. There is a difference between being alone and lonely. I don't mind being alone, I really don't. But the loneliness crept over me so badly I felt it was like cancer on an open sore. And for the first time in a long time I felt alive- down there. In other words, I was horny as hell.

Add loneliness, sadness, being horny, the need to talk to a human being and not a cat- and the desire to eat something other than tea and toast- I was more depressed than I had been in a very long time. The other day i went grocery shopping, and it seemed to me the entire store were mothers with infants buying turkeys, and all the trimmings. I looked at the babies, nestled in their carriers on the shopping carts, their little feet ensconced in blue or pink booties, and the maternal instinct hit hard. And the damn clock. Yelling at me "Your eggs are getting old! Save us".

The holidays- the holidays. We long for Norman Rockwell, we get instead Clark Griswold in the Christmas movie. They can be so depressing. They don't mean to be.


So right now I cannot sleep, I still have the shakes and the sweats from the med change, and am on my 3rd shower this evening. I treated myself to a real nice bath skin moisturizer, and new bath puff, so that is nice. I also washed my hair and put it up in rag curls so it will look great in the morning.

It's also the 2nd anniversary of the break up of my relationship. I think that was a trigger too. I am over him, he has moved on from me and has a new girl friend. I am making hesitant steps back into the dating world. I have a great therapist who is helping me with this. But there is something about anniversaries, that are toxic and hurt.

So that is where I stand. i cannot fall back to sleep, so I am just going to catch up on blogs and wait for the sun rise.

And feel blessed that someone, actually sombodies, care about me.

-The picture of the rainbow was taken by me at my parent's old house back in 05.

I'm so lonesome I could die

I am so blue and lonely tonight, the loneliness is all encompassing and choking me like the pollution at Turnpike Exit 11.
I would sell my soul for someone to hold me tonight, and be with me. This type of loneliness can be fatal, as seen below.




Thomas Chatterton

Hear that lonesome whipoorwill
He sounds to blue to fly
Th midnight train is whining low
I'm so lonesome I could die

I never seen a night, so long
When time go crawlin' by
The moon jest went behind the cloud
I'm so lonesome I could cry


Did you ever see a robin weep
When loved ones begin's to die
That means he lost th one he loved
I'm so lonesome I could cry

The silence of th fallin' star
Lights up a purple sky
And as I wonder where you 'er
I'm so lonesome I could die

Something to cheer you while I am sick.

Meet Libby, the Seeing Eye Cat!






From Stuff On My Cat

Ray Sandford needs a Thanksgiving Reprieve-Please Help

MindFreedom International - 24 November 2008
Ray Human Rights Alert #4: Please Forward

You Can Ask: Thanksgiving Reprieve?

MindFreedom Filing Complaint with UN Claiming "Torture" in Minnesota

The next forced outpatient electroshock of Ray Sandford is
scheduled for this Wednesday morning, 26 November 2008, the day
before the USA holiday of Thanksgiving.

Join an international campaign *NOW* to phone Minnesota Governor
Tim Pawlenty today and tomorrow, before the shock:

1) Ask the Governor to give Ray Sandford a reprieve from his next
forced electroshock.

2) Ask the Governor -- who claims to believe in limited government --
if he supports laws in Minnesota allowing this torture: the
involuntary administration of electroshock therapy (ECT) of people
living out in the community?

A MindFreedom investigation revealed that Ray Sandford, 54,
complained of being escorted every week for months from his supported
living home in Columbia Heights, Minnesota to Mercy Hospital for
another course of electroshock over his objection.

After the first MindFreedom News international alert, Ray's doctor
let him skip his forced shock this past Wednesday, 19 November.

This Wednesday morning, 26 November, Ray expects to be woken up early
once again to be escorted the 15 miles to what he is told will be his
34th involuntary outpatient electroshock under special Minnesota laws.

Meanwhile, MindFreedom is filing a official claim with the United
Nations calling Minnesota's abuse of Ray "torture," using a new
process and expanded definition by the UN.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

** ACTION ** ACTION ** ACTION **

Join in a MindFreedom international phone-in campaign!

Telephone Governor Pawlenty's office *NOW* -- and insist on talking
to a staff person.

Call any day, but especially call today and tomorrow, *before* Ray's
scheduled electroshock this Wednesday.

From anywhere in the world phone (651) 296-3391.

From inside Minnesota phone toll free (800) 657-3717.

You have the best chance of reaching staff from 8:00 am to 4:30 pm
Central Time weekdays.

NOTE: Staff is directing many of these calls into voice mail.
MindFreedom is not aware of anyone actually getting a response to
this voice mail.

DO NOT GIVE UP! Politely but FIRMLY insist on on talking to a staff
person.

If you get redirected to voice mail leave a message, but call back
until you get an answer from a live person.

If you do receive any helpful information, e-mail it to
news@mindfreedom.org.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ray Campaign News Updates:

MindFreedom Filing Complaint with United Nations Alleging
"Torture" by Minnesota

This past Friday, 21 November, disability advocates met with Ray at
the Minnesota Center for Independent Living. Ray told advoctates he
very much supports this campaign.

During the meeting a teleconference was held with MindFreedom
President Celia Brown in New York City and MindFreedom Director David
Oaks in Oregon. Celia interviewed Ray so that MindFreedom may file a
human rights complaint under a new process with a United Nations
Special Rappateur. Because of recent developments, some types of
severe psychiatric abuse may now be considered torture by the UN.

Involuntary outpatient electroshock (IOE) is part of a trend to bring
the power of forced psychiatric procedures out into the community,
from the back ward to your front porch.

Mind your freedom: Your home is no longer your castle... it can
become your ward.

Electroshock itself has made a comeback throughout the USA, and
internationally, without adequate human rights protection.

You may read some of the many public comments that have been e-mailed
to the Governor at tim.pawlenty@state.mn.us here:

http://www.mindfreedom.org/shield/ray/sandford-support-letters

For a full-sized photo of Ray click on his image here:
http://www.mindfreedom.org/shield/ray

Past alerts:

7 Nov: Alert #1 - How to e-mail the Governor:
http://www.mindfreedom.org/shield/ray-sandford

12 Nov: Alert #2 - First phone-in to Governor:
http://www.mindfreedom.org/shield/pawlenty-electroshock

16 Nov: Alert #3 - Ask Governor's Director of Communications Brian
McClung for answers:
http://www.mindfreedom.org/shield/ray/16-nov-08-update

REMEMBER RAY - TAKE ACTION NOW!

Don't let Ray get escorted without you saying "no" to torture out in
our communities.

It takes just a few moments. Please nonviolently "zap back" by asking
questions.

The campaign is being heard in the Governor's office. MindFreedom has
evidence that at least one frustrated operator has hung up on callers
about Ray.

Ray did not give up. So we won't give up!

From anywhere in the USA or the world phone (651) 296-3391.

From inside Minnesota phone toll free: (800) 657-3717.

ADDITIONAL ACTIONS

Please forward this public alert to supporters of human rights on and
off Internet with an encouragement to act *NOW*!

There's a reason MindFreedom International has broken the silence on
this issue:

Independent united activism.

To support MindFreedom and this campaign please join, renew early or
donate today, click here:

http://www.mindfreedom.org/join-donate

Once you join MindFreedom, current members can apply to get on the
MindFreedom electroshock campaign e-mail list called ZAPBACK where
the Ray campaign is coordinated internationally. Once you're an MFI
member sign up on ZAPBACK here:

http://www.intenex.net/lists/listinfo/mindfreedom-zapback

~~~~~~~~~~

MindFreedom International Office:

454 Willamette, Suite 216 - POB 11284; Eugene, OR 97440-3484 USA

web site: http://www.mindfreedom.org
e-mail: office@mindfreedom.org
MFI member services phone: (541) 345-9106
MFI member services toll free: 1-877-MAD-PRIDe or 1-877-623-7743
new fax: (480) 287-8833

~~~~~~~~~~~~

MindFreedom International is a 100 percent independent nonprofit
united to win activist campaigns for human rights and alternatives in
mental health.

Join or renew early here:

http://www.mindfreedom.org/join-donate

Huge med change today

Went to the doc today, blood work indicated lithium still wasn't even near therapeutic level, so it's now at 2800. It was at 3100 in March when I got sick. Cymbalta stayed same at 60 ,I was hoping to start tapering down to 40. And Klonepin is now daily at 10 mg.


I feel like a zombie, with the bucket next to me. And my hands are shaking I cannot hold a cuppa tea. I wouldn't mind a cute single guy come over and make me some soup though.


Anyway, will write tomorrow. Just taking a day off to be a couch potato tonight.

Destiny in a nutshell

From Law and Order: CI

Bela Khan: Do you believe in destiny, Detective Logan?

Mike Logan: I believe you make your own destiny.

Bela Khan: My fate is already written


"Assasin" episode

I wonder if Werther wrote this

From my friend LP

We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.
-- Goethe

Even in the darkest places there is hope.

They are survivors. If you don’t have respect for their strength you can’t be of any help. It’s a privilege that they let you in – there’s no reason they should trust you – none. You can’t know their terror – It’s your worst nightmare come true – a nightmare from which you can never awaken. It’s unrelenting. There has been no safety: no one, no time, no thing – all was tainted. Hope was obliterated – time and time again. ...

- Posted inside Del Amo Hospital, Torrance California

Call to Action Alert for a California Attorney

Hat Tip to Stephany of Soulful Sepulcher.

Stan Cavers, the blogmaster of "Is There Something Not Quite Right With Stan", is not only a good blogger, but he has a poet's soul when he writes. He also knows a great deal about the inner workings of mental health occupations, and has seen the good, bad and the ugly. I respect him for all he has gone through and suffered.

Stephany and I are both mental health advocates. I am as disgusted over what happened to Stan, as is Stephany.

Stephany writes:

As a mental health advocate I am extremely frustrated with recent futile attempts to gain legal representation for Stan Cavers, who was assaulted at his workplace June 13, 2008, and suffered a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) as a result, then terminated from his job the very next day.

Stan diligently battled in spite of his injury, representing himself in court to gain Workman's Compensation after the provider attempted to deny Workman's Compensation by saying it was a previous psychological issue, and Bipolar Disorder.

Stan won the Workman's Compensation case, and November 12, 2008 the Judge deemed and filed, in the State of California, that Stan is disabled as a result of the head injury and shall receive under court order treatment stated in 2 medical reports that were completed as a result of Workman's Compensation attempt to prove psychological problems when in fact it is TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury).

This week the workman's compensation company, CorVel Corporation has denied all services for treatment, breaking the Judge's court order.Though Stan has already been evaluated for treatment in Seattle by the doctor referred to by CorVel, the doctor's office was notified that further treatment was denied.

This is now a wrongful termination and discrimination lawsuit and a call to action and alert to all attorneys for legal representation.

Stan's injury occurred in California and Stan currently resides in the State of Washington.

Representation in California is needed.

Please leave information in comments or email.

(No advertising or junk mail please, it will go to spam)

--
Further ADA reading:

ADA -Americans with Disabilities Act.

Enforcing the ADA:
A Status Report from the Department of Justice.

More on the Florida Internet suicide

This just breaks my heart. My sympathies are with his family.

From ABC News.

Florida Teen Live-Streams His Suicide Online
Abraham Biggs, 19, Was Egged On by Fellow Bloggers, Cops Say

By EMILY FRIEDMAN
Nov. 21, 2008 —

A Florida teenager who used a webcam to live-stream his suicide Wednesday was reportedly encouraged by other people on the Web site, authorities told ABCNews.com.

"People were egging him on and saying things like 'go ahead and do it, faggot,' said Wendy Crane, an investigator at the Broward County Medical Examiner's office.

Abraham Biggs, 19, of Pembroke Pines, Fla., had been blogging on an online body-building message board and had linked to his page on Justin.tv, a live video streaming Web site, where the camera rolled as he overdosed on prescription pills, according to Crane.

Biggs, who had reportedly been discussing his suicide on the forums, also posted a suicide note on a body-building forum, which has since been taken down, in which he wrote, "I hate myself and I hate living."

"I have let everyone down and I feel as though I will never change or never improve," Biggs wrote in the posting. "I am in love with a girl and I know that I am not good enough for her. I have come to believe that my life has all been meaningless. I keep trying and I keep failing. I have thought about and attempted suicide many times in the past."

The video and blog postings have since been removed from the sites, but Crane, who has seen both, said that at first viewers thought the suicide was a hoax.

"The bloggers said that Biggs had threatened to kill himself before and had faked it, so at first they didn't believe him," said Crane. "Gradually, as you read the blog further into the day the bloggers start commenting on how Biggs isn't moving."

Crane said comments on the thread included an exchange about whether the image of Biggs' motionless body was a still photograph or a video, and eventually resulted in one of the site's visitors calling the police, who tracked down the teen through his computer IP address.

According to Wired magazine, online viewers watching the video ranged from "OMG" -- Internet slang for oh my god -- and LOL -- an abbreviation for laughing out loud.

Blog Posts

On a blog where Biggs wrote about his suicidal thoughts, which has since been removed, commenters wrote, "hahaha hahahahha hahahahahah ahhaha." Wired reported that someone else wrote: "Instant Darwinism ..." to which a fellow commenter wrote: "f**king a nicely put." Others called the teen a "coward," "faggot" and a "dick."

In the Web stream, Crane said viewers saw a piece of a door frame -- which had splintered from the police kicking in the teen's bedroom door -- hit Biggs, who is curled up on his bed and facing away from the camera.

"Then you see a police officer go in and check on him, and then the EMS pronounced him dead," said Crane.

Biggs was pronounced dead at 3:30 p.m. Nov. 19 -- about 12 hours after he had begun blogging about his suicide.

The official cause of death was suicide combined with drug toxicity. Crane said that benzodiazepines and opiates were found near the body, but a blood toxicology to quantify just how much Biggs consumed is still under way.

Crane said that at least one of the prescription drugs was in Biggs' name.

Michael Seibel, the CEO of Justin.tv, posted a blog entry on the site titled "A Moment of Silence."

"Justin.tv staff would like to take a moment to recognize and reflect upon the tragedy that occurred within our community today," wrote Seibel. "We respect the privacy of the broadcaster and his family during this challenging time."

Reached by telephone, Biggs' father, Abraham Biggs Sr., told ABCNews.com that he was shocked to learn of his son's death.

"He was a good kid. Everyone knows him," said Biggs. "We live together and everything was fine -- I'm so surprised."

Biggs' father was not home at the time of his son's suicide, and the father told ABCNews.com that he was not aware that his son used Justin.tv.

Biggs had struggled with depression, according to his father, and had been prescribed medication for bipolar disorder. Benzodiazepine is commonly prescribed as a sleep aid or an anti-anxiety medication.

Even so, Biggs had been "doing better," according to his father and had been attending daily classes at Broward College, where he was pursing a career as a paramedic.

Internet Provides Outlet to Suffer in Public

"I am upset that Justin.tv streamed this live," said Biggs. "I have not seen it, and I do not intend to look at it.

"There seems to be a lack of control as to what people put out on the Internet," he said. "There's a lot of garbage out there that should not be, and unfortunately, this was allowed to happen."

David Griner, a social media strategist for Luckie & Company, said that while public deaths are not new, online chatrooms provide an especially accessible forum for those debating suicide.

"The social Web tends to create a sideshow atmosphere, like public executions in the 1700s," said Griner. "The anonymity and lack of personal connection bring out the worst in people."

Griner points out that there have been several other online suicides, and some have been faked as well.

In February 2008 a girl who identified herself only as "90 Day Jane" wrote an anonymous blog chronicling the days leading up to her death. The blog turned out to be a hoax, and "Jane" later described it as an "art project."

The United Kingdom had an online suicide in March 2007, when 42-year-old Kevin Whitrick hanged himself while others watched. According to the BBC, some onlookers tried to stop him while others urged him on.

"The explosion of high-speed Internet access in the past few years has made it so that almost anyone can broadcast a live video in front of a global audience," said Griner. "It's impossible for sites like Justin.tv to monitor everything that's going on, so that puts the burden on the community to help stop bad things from happening."

Griner believes that those who encourage suicidal people are simply a sad reality of an unrestricted World Wide Web. Even so, some potential suicides are prevented on the Internet as well.

"You'll always have the morbid jerks who yell 'Jump!' when someone's on a rooftop, and you'll always have people threatening suicide in a public venue," said Griner. "And while it's easy to focus on the abundance of bloodthirsty trolls online, the bright side is that the Internet also gives more decent people the opportunity to intervene and try to save a life."

"Most times, they just need someone to talk to, and the Internet is the only forum they have."

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