Crippling yes. Getting out of bed is pure torture, unless it is to use the bathroom. Talking on the phone is like a canary in a coal mine clutching for air.
I can barely walk to the kitchen to change the cat box and put more kibble in her bowl, and give her a fresh bowl of cold ice water.
Crawl back to bed, hold stuffed animal tight and wait- for what? Death?
Because I could not stop for death
He kindly stopped for me.
Yeah right. He's stopping for me. Thanks Emily. Even Dante, with his wood of suicides and the birds pecking seems better than this. At least the birds aren't pooping on you too.
I just want to stay alive and if it means bed, unable to move, so be it. It will either pass, or. or... or....
I will be taking a dirt bath next to my grandparents in the family plot. Nice cemetery, but the plot faces Bloomies. That sounds like hell to me. I wonder what Dante would think of that.
I hope you feel better soon!
ReplyDeleteOh, Susan... *offers a hug if you like them* Keep holding that stuffed animal--the physical act can be metaphorical for the mental idea of 'holding on' that you are doing. Be gentle with yourself, and know that someone is sending kind thoughts your way.
ReplyDeleteComforting tailwags,
Littlewolf
I'm with you there, Susan. But please, PRETTY PLEASE contact someone if you need to do so. But do know that you are not alone in your struggles and that someone (i.e., me) is sending love your way.
ReplyDeletePlease keep me/us posted so I/we know you're (relatively) okay.
Wishing you the best,
NOS
Depression is a horror to go through. I hope this passes soon.
ReplyDeleteOh, and I know I've heard this somewhere before, but...
ReplyDeleteIf you're going through hell, keep going.
NOS
I hope you are feeling better soon!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. This is my first visit to your site, and I am sorry to meet you at such a low point. Remember that depression does wax and wane. You *will* feel better if you hang in there. It doesn't seem true, I know, but it is. My heart extends its arms to you. Peace.
ReplyDelete@Salllyo- thank you. I think it's just a bump in the road.
ReplyDelete@Littlewolf, thank you. iwish I had a doggie.
@NOS-I know to contact someone. I think I am just venting on this blog page and maybe i shouldn't do that so often.
@Ari, I agree, depression is a b**ch.
@SJ Aimee- thank you.
ReplyDelete@WillSpirit- thank you. I feel better today.
Blog pages are for venting on. Glad you're feeling a little better today, Susan.
ReplyDeleteYou should vent as often as you like. I offer you some lyrics from a Cat Stevens song (although I like the kristen hersh version much better).
ReplyDeleteTrouble
Oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
And it's too much too much for me
Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You're eating my heart away
And there's nothing much left of me
I've drunk your wine
You have made your world mine
So won't you be fair
So won't you be fair
I don't want no more of you
So won't you be kind to me
Just let me go where
I'll have to go there
Trouble
Oh trouble move away
I have seen your face
and it's too much for me today
Trouble
Oh trouble can't you see
You have made me a wreck
Now won't you leave me in my misery
I've seen your eyes
and I can see death's disguise
Hangin' on me
Hangin' on me
I'm beat, I'm torn
Shattered and tossed and worn
Too shocking to see
Too shocking to see
Trouble
Oh trouble move from me
I have paid my debt
Now won't you leave me in my misery
Trouble
Oh trouble please be kind
I don't want no fight
And I haven't got a lot of time
@Sisyphusgal- I LOVE Cat Stevens.. ........ I didn't know this song. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteWhen you are feeling so bad do you call anyone? Family, friends, or better yet the Doctor? Doctor would seem like a good choice. Maybe your meds need adjusting.
ReplyDeleteAnon, I did talk to my pdoc and got some blood work done. I see her again next week to discuss a med adjustment.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm several days late, but.... ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))
ReplyDeleteThank you Annapurna!
ReplyDelete