Monday, February 28, 2011

I've fallen and am struggling to get up

I’ve fallen and I can’t get up

I’m so blue.

Blue Blue Blue. I can hardly live with myself, thank heaven for sleep. Sleeping 18 hours a day up until last week. Now it’s five if I am lucky. Extremes. It’s all about extremes.

My body is slightly healing.  My kidneys are back to normal, but it’s all about the bladder. Bladder isn’t working. It’s difficult.  I have an urinary tract infection from this. And peeing, it hurts like nothing else I have ever experienced in my life.

It’s hard to stay optimistic. I know there are people who have it worse than me, and I am grateful I don’t have to have dialysis anymore. That’s wonderful.

What this illness has brought out of me, other than a sense of depression, is a sense of confusion, a sense I have lost my way. I had livid dreams in the hospital, probably from the morphine, but now- I don’t dream. I’m up all night in pain, listening to the radio, nine out of ten nights to Coast to Coast which is probably not a good thing, it makes me think, and that keeps me up all night. Pondering. It’s like I am waiting for my cat’s stomach to explode like when the alien came out of John Hurt’s belly in “Alien” only instead of an alien, it would be the X files or Rod Sterling. (Am I dating myself with the old Twilight Zone? They have marathons every New Years on Channel 11 in NYC!)

I don’t have dreams for the future, and it’s not because Coast to Coast is telling me the world will end in December 2012. I don’t believe that. If I turn on the news I do see the world is exploding, governments being over turned in the Middle East. I haven’t been this glued to CNN since Reagan told Gorbachev to “Tear down the wall”. I cannot control the world, I wouldn’t want to. I only have control of my destiny. And right now, I feel like I have no destiny, no desire for the future, no dreams. Just pain and sleep.

I would like a goal, something to strive for. I cannot even write anymore because I’m sleeping so much and at so many weird hours, (all day and up from 12 to 4 every night, and then from 7-9 and back to sleep til 5 or 6 pm, eat supper and back to bed. My eyes hurt so I don’t read much, I am listening to books on tape or the radio. Or lie on the couch and listen to the news channel(s) with the sound on and my eyes closed.

Since the ex left I haven’t had wifi, so the only computer outlet is on the floor. What no one knows is that since November 2006 all my blogging and what not has been done on the floor, laptop in my lap, while I sit “Indian” style on the hardwood floor. Now I cannot sit on the floor, because I cannot get up.  So no computer unless I use the phone. It’s difficult.

This will change next week when I move.  I will be getting free wifi from my cable carrier, which will be amazing. The move is scaring me. I don’t have a lot of things to move, a closet full of clothes, four pair of shoes and a pair of boots. Three computers, one that is over 20 years old and still works but does not do internet. Some furniture, but not a whole lot. What I have that is a royal pain are about 800 books. I had close to 1000 but over the last year I have been getting rid of a lot of them. It breaks my heart because I always thought I would have a house with a library. But it’s going to be difficult moving all those books. I have a friend coming out this weekend to help me move, and we will be packing up another 200 or so and giving them away to the local library. I am grateful this friend is in my life, and has been in my life since 2008. He is the most amazing and kind man I have ever met with the exception of my dad. But he cannot help me to figure out where I am going on my life, he has his own troubles on his plate, I cannot add mine to his. It’s something I have to figure out myself. I just feel lost, rudderless, a feeling I haven’t felt since I was a teenager. I didn’t like it then, it’s worse now that I am in my forties. I should have a rudder. I should be steering towards the North Star. Instead, I lie in bed, and try to heal, looking at the window at night to the stars and moon and wishing on the stars for my health back and my ability to write can come back as well. 

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